


When You Crashed in the Clouds You Found Me [Flashes of Light]

by mostlikelydefinentlymad



Category: Captain America (Movies)
Genre: Bucky Barnes Needs a Hug, Bucky remembers, I wanted to include Sam more but I need to get more of an idea about his character, M/M, Stucky - Freeform, post winter soldier, spoiler for end credit of Ant Man, steve is a prominent figure in buckys memories
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-07-31
Updated: 2015-07-31
Packaged: 2018-04-12 04:46:31
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,976
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4465949
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mostlikelydefinentlymad/pseuds/mostlikelydefinentlymad
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Steve is falling, protect him, protect him, protect him. (why? DO it.)  Diving into the water headfirst, metal arm dragging him under as he reaches in and pulls Steve from the Potomac and watches as he spits out water. Go. Run. Steve is safe now - go.<br/>----------------------------------------</p><p>Its been two years and Bucky's memories are returning one by one, slowly and painfully. Some are better than the rest.</p>
            </blockquote>





	When You Crashed in the Clouds You Found Me [Flashes of Light]

It doesn't come back all at once but in small pieces that sometimes feel more like needles. It's like trying to find your way out of fog only to find that every time you get close enough to touch the space in between, it disappears.

Hydra has been on the hunt for Bucky since they caught wind of him pulling Steve Rogers out of the Potomac and to be honest he still isn't sure why he did it but in that moment, those eyes and voice over-rode 75 years of pain. He isn't sure of anything anymore.

He's been running ever since, trying to figure out who he is. If he stops they'll find him and the very thought of being restrained again makes him panic, leaves him struggling to catch his breath and still his heart. He remembers the procedures - the blinding pain of being strapped down to a chair while they dig around in his brain. He can't go back.

 

1\. His entire body feels like it's on fire from the inside out. It is 1938 and there's a very skinny blonde haired blue eyed male standing over him with a thin hand on his forehead. He looks worried and Bucky vaguely recalls feeling guilty - that for one reason or another it should be the other way around. _Steve_. The man on the bridge - Steve Rogers. This version is near identical but he's fragile as if one push might break him. He sighs and scoots Bucky over - they're sitting on an ancient bed with springs that jab him in the back. It squeaks as he sits down beside of Bucky and pulls out his sketch book. In between drawings of birds, neighbors _(how did he know this?)_ and strangers, there's a rough composite of himself. He looks much younger, happier. He's smiling - his eyes stare back from the sketch book and somehow they don't match the expression in them these days. _Fever, sketches, Steve._

  
2\. The year is 1936 and again he's with Steve. They're at Coney Island, surrounded by families - happy strangers whose squeals fill the air as they load onto the rides. He sees himself grab Steve by the hand and pull him toward a ride called The Cyclone. Steve protests but he gives him the smile that always made the ladies melt and he gives in. Round and round it goes and Steve's face is getting paler by the minute. Bucky can't stop laughing _(did this really happen? could he have actually been this happy at one time?)_ as the ride pulls to a stop and they stumble out. Steve finds the nearest trash can he can get to and flings himself over it. Afterward Bucky wraps an arm around skinny shoulders and promises they'll avoid that ride next time. Steve smirks and calls him a jerk. _Rides, Steve's hand, happy._

  
3\. It's 1941 and Bucky is at home with Steve - home being a one bedroom apartment with a bathtub in the kitchen and Steve's drawings on the mostly bare walls. He remembers the exact moment when they'd turned the radio up as high as it would go - Pearl Harbor had been attacked. He distinctly remembered his stomach sinking and Steve's shoulders tensing up. He recalls how he'd shipped out the very next day and promised to write to Steve, made Steve promise to not get into any trouble while he was gone. He recalls hugging Steve as tight as he could, wanting to hold on longer but knowing it would only be more painful if he did. He hasn't forgotten the angry glint in Steve's eye - how he kept repeating "I should be going with you".  _Promises, letters, Steve's eyes._

4\. "107th. Sergeant James Barnes. Shipping out for England, first thing tomorrow" he's standing in a back alley - having punched the man who was attacking Steve. His hair is slicked back and he hardly recognizes himself _(if that's really me)_ . He's wearing a standard issue sargent's uniform with his hat tilted to the side and Steve is looking up at him with the saddest blue eyes. He's holding a paper but he can't focus on what it says - he only knows that he tells Steve that they're headed for the future. There's a hoovering car and Steve...leaving. An argument in the recruiting station, a slight ache in his chest when he walks away. _Uniform, Steve's eyes, Howard Stark._

5\. Another memory - he isn't sure of the year. Steve is coughing and his chest caves in slightly when he breathes. Bucky is supposed to work that day but he calls in sick instead and gets a lecture. He doesn't care. Multiple medications, warm blankets, hot tea with honey, reading to Steve, staying awake all night keeping watch. The knot of dread in his stomach when he has to nudge Steve awake because for once hes not making noises in his sleep and it's terrifying. _Steve's coughs, late nights, fear._

6\. They're younger in this one. There's couch cushions strewn haphazardly along the floor and the two of them are lying on their bellies as they play a board game. Steve laughs and Bucky's face breaks into a smile so big that it meets his eyes. Steve is telling jokes so terrible that they're funny. _Oatmeal cookies, board games, couch cushions._

7\. He's wearing a suit and tie, hair slicked back as he walks Steve to the door of their apartment. He hears himself say "You don't have to do it alone, I'm with you till the end of the line pal" and he shudders. _(why does that sound so familiar?)_   Steve wants to be alone so he crashes at his parents house for the rest of the week and tries to ignore how much he misses him. _Spare key, black funeral clothes, Steve's eyes._

8\. Falling, falling, falling. He's screaming and someone is yelling "BUCKY NO!" at the top of their lungs. _Steve_. The snow is cold under his back and his left arm is twisted at an inhuman angle. There's scientists and they're cutting his skin and.... _(NO! go away, go away please go AWAY!)_

9\. There's a man on the bridge who says they've known one another their entire lives, tells him his name is James Buchanan Barnes. He recalls how his mind screamed at him in pain - **remember him** , how he fought to focus because there was something about those blue eyes that pulled him out of the darkness. _Blue eyes, my mission, protect him, anguish._

10\. There's an exhibit with his face on it at the Smithsonian. He had managed to blend in with the crowd and covered his long hair with a cap, his metal arm with a dark jacket. _Steve Rogers_. He'd told the truth. His name was James Buchanan Barnes and they'd fought side by side with the Howling Commandos. It had felt like somebody else' life, he felt like an imposter.

  
11\. [You'll never know how many dreams I've dreamed about you or just how empty they all seemed without you so kiss me once, then kiss me twice. Then kiss me once again, its been a long, long time]   

He's standing in their apartment with Steve's hand wrapped around his own as the music plays. "Its Been A Long Long Time", one of Steve's favorites. He'd been struggling with the ladies and thought that if he knew how to dance maybe he could impress them. It hadn't went well and Steve had stepped on his toes until they were sore but he hadn't minded. _Bare feet, Steve's warm hand in his, midnight dancing._

12\. They're fourteen and though Steve's mother says they're getting too old for sleep overs, he stays anyways. Shouting from the hallway, bolting to Steve's room and locking the door, telling one another ghost stories, Bucky's first kiss. Leaning over to press his lips against Steve's and meeting no resistance. Steve's first and last kiss until he meets a pretty lady in a red dress - he can't recall her name. _Warm kisses, ghost stories, Steve._

13\. Piano music, drinking alone, a pretty lady in a red dress who looks at Steve like he hung the moon. The sharp twinge of jealousy and soul crushing loneliness, a joke about Steve's suit, agreeing to follow Steve...somewhere. _(where? it seemed important)_. Anywhere, he would have followed him anywhere. _Liquor, pain, realizing he's in love._

14\. Ice, snow, the locking of a door behind him - being strapped into a device, a metal arm touching the window. _Desperation, cold, pain, where's Steve?_

15\. A thick file, weapons, Hydra scientists, Steve's picture. _Asset. Mission._ _Numb._

16\. Steve is falling, _protect him, protect him, protect him_.  _(why?_ **do it** _ **.** )  _Diving into the water headfirst, metal arm dragging him under as he reaches in and pulls Steve from the Potomac and watches as he spits out water. Go. Run. Steve is safe now - he remembers running as far away as he could, fighting every instinct to stay grounded - to protect Steve. He recalls convincing himself that if he goes back they'll catch him and what if he kills Steve?  _Water, running, Steve._

Its been two years and just when he thinks he's going to be okay and he can deal with the memories, they hit him out of nowhere. Each one more painful than the last, a reminder of how utterly alone he is. He is a man who belongs in another time, should've died during WWII. Most days he can't come up with a reason to even want to live. He lives each day with one foot in the present and the other firmly planted in the past. Spends his days and nights in dingy abandoned buildings with rust and water stains, steals food whenever possible and is forever tightening his hand around the serrated knife that he keeps in his pocket. He tells himself he's doing just fine and then it all comes crashing down around him. He's slipping and a former SHIELD operative has been tracking him. They lock him in a storage facility far from the U.S. and force his metal arm into a vice. It feels like falling all over again and waking up in the same hell day after day. He can't remember the last time he has eaten. He's a "machine" an "asset" an "assassin" as they remind him daily, he doesn't deserve compassion or basic amenities.

And then for no reason at all the SHIELD operative abandons him - promises to return _(don't leave me here)._ Days and weeks pass one blending into the next and he blacks out more than once until he hears a familiar voice. The voice from his memories - blue eyes, blond hair, _protect him._ He can't remember the last time he used his voice or if he can so he mouths "HELP ME" and hopes that it's enough for now. He knows that face, it haunts him. _(Can I trust you?)_

Voices fading in and out: "No, don't tell Tony. We have to get him out of this, give me a hand."  Slight tugging, warm hands holding his face - checking his eyes, Steve's eyes - the color of the ocean. "I can't get him out, what do I do?" Panicked voices, a hopeful mention of Ant-Man. "You go, I'll stay here" _Steve._ Steve is staying, moving his hair out of his eyes, pulling a bottle of water out of a backpack and holding it to Bucky's parched lips, wiping his chin when he chokes and spits. Reminding him once more of who he is, who he was. "Do you remember anything? Who did this to you?"  _I remember too much. But I don't remember how I got here. I remember **him**. _ Manage to whisper one word: "Steve" and he smiles softly, those blue eyes filling with tears.

_Peanut butter crackers, bottled water, Steve._

**Author's Note:**

> title is from "Please Don't Go" by Barcelona. listen to it for extra angst.  
> Please Don't Go: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=COqx-TCxrSk  
> It's Been A Long Long Time: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0dh3Ape1GmU
> 
> Thank you for reading, I hope you like it as much as I enjoyed writing it. if I knew anything about Ant-Man I'd continue the story but I don't.


End file.
